Under a Microscope!

Ever wonder what it would feel like to have people watching every move you make. Listening to every word you say. Well it's difficult. I started this journey and this blog not knowing what was laying in store for me. I have fought battle after battle and haven't really stopped long enough to even think about what it all means. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed and touched by the prayer requests of so many people. People, I don't even know, stop me at Walmart and tell me that they are praying for me. Through the world of Facebook, the journey of Jason Horn is getting out. Pam is helping me sharing it with as many people as we can. People have sent emails, texts, and personal messages about how they have been blessed through watching us go through this journey. It's just scary knowing that many people are following us on this journey. I have my own expectations out of all of this and I know God will work it too my good, but I don't want people to be disappointed by the outcome or my dealings with this journey. I truly don't know what God has in store through this. I have always been a private person, and the attention is overwhelming sometimes. I have always said that I care more about what people think of God because of me than I care what they think about me. Although that still rings true, it has become increasingly more difficult to separate the two. I am not as strong as some people think I am. I have nights that I cry myself to sleep praying that God will let me see my girls grow up. How do I explain that to a group of teenage youth that are looking to me for answers? I simply don't have the answers. What do I tell people when they ask how I feel? The truth? No one wants to hear that. Next time someone asks you how you are doing, take the time to tell them and see how long they listen. People want the good news not the truth. Truth is It's hard! I am fighting cancer! That's how I'm doing! My mouth is sore, my head hurts, my joint hurts, I'm worried about what's gonna happen when my sick time runs out, I'm stressed about not being able to drive, I'm stressed about my job, I miss doing ministry. That is how I feel. When people ask how I'm doing I almost laugh. The steroid has helped me to gain 30 pounds. Nothing I own fits.I now want to loose weight more than ever. I know I have to eat, but I don't want to. I need to walk to lose weight, but my painful swollen joints make it difficult. My life sucks at the moment, THAT IS HOW I'M FEELING!! I hope that is OK to say because it is the truth. Even as I'm typing this I'm debating over whether or not to share this blog. Do people really want the truth or do they just want the feel good part? I have been blessed through this and I am truly thankful for all the prayer requests going up for my family and I! I just ask that people understand that I am a real person with fears and feelings too. Sometimes I ask that you understand when I'm rude and obnoxious. I do sometimes just want to be alone. I have learned to be alone surrounded by people. It's not personal! The medication, being sick, being dependent on others and the uncertainty of tomorrow sometimes becomes to heavy a load to bare. Living life in a fish bowl is difficult and I pray for patience through this. Thank you! My name is Jason Horn and I am Second!!