Well it has taken me about 5 days to be able to actually sit down and write this blog. For the first time since this journey started, I found myself this past week mad for the first time. I had faced being scared, confused, worried, and several other emotions, but this was the first time I actually found myself MAD! Wednesday, we went into see the cardiothoracic surgeon, that was supposed to be setting up to go in and remove the 2 lesions off my lungs. After all the tests leading up to this surgery, I was already stressed out. Finally, I found myself sitting in the surgeon's office waiting. Looking forward to moving on with this whole journey, actually believing we were headed in the right direction. As the surgeon came into the room, I knew something wasn't right. The mood was somber and he told me that surgery on my lungs was no longer a priority. My most recent MRI now showed 4 new brain lesions. The lungs now take a back seat. I left the doctors office dazed and confused. For the past 9 weeks, we have delt with the side effects of the chemo because we felt it was actually helpful. Now I find out that not only has the chemo not kept the lesions on my lungs from growing, but I now have new brain lesions. I feel like we have wasted 9 weeks. My insurance will only approve ct scans and MRIs every three months and in the world on cancer treatment, that is a lifetime. I decided not to continue with the chemo. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired for nothing. I met with the radiation oncologist that done the initial radiation treatment on the brain lesion that caused the seizures to begin with and he confirmed that the original lesion was gone. So the decision was easy to allow him to move forward with radiation treatments to the new brain lesions and the lesions on my lungs. So now that we have wasted the past 10 weeks, treatment wise, we are moving on with radiation treatment starting February 22nd.
Since this all began, I knew that God has a purpose for us through this. This was the first time that I really questioned why. Everyone keeps saying that we are building testimony, but if I'm not able to get out and share the testimony, what's the point. I hate being sick. I miss my life! I felt like my treatments had let me down! I am beginning to question the outcome. I'm ready to just open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare. As the sick time runs out and the questions about providing for my family creep in, I find myself deeply depressed. I have a great family and great group of friends, and I know that they will always be here for us. I just don't want to be a burden. I feel like this whole journey has been, Hurry up and wait!! Pain has started creeping in. Sickness is getting more frequent. I don't feel like getting out of the house most of the time. Putting on clothes has become a chore. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel has temporarily been turned off. God I know that it is all in Your hands, I just would like to know we are headed in a direction that will bring You glory. My name is Jason Horn, and I am SECOND!
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